You wouldn't understand... part 2

So D and I are married.  I hit a rough patch after we got married (again that's another blog at another time)  but life was good  we were happy and we really wanted kids.

At this time of my life I was working at a Preschool/Daycare in Waunakee WI.  I loved it there!  The staff were fun and really taught me how to be the best I could be as a Preschool teacher.  But, there was one day that I will never forget that really bothered me.  I was having a problem with one of my little girls in my class.  She was disruptive and being very bossy to her friends.  I called in the parents for a meeting to see if we could talk about what was going on with her behavior.  After explaining to the Father about what was going on he looked at me at said "Ms. Maria, you wouldn't understand...you are not a parent"  My insides were crushed.  Little did he know that D and I were trying to have kids and not having any success.  The Father also did not realize who he was talking to.  If you know me, you know how sensitive I can be.  I loved his little girl very much and I spent Mon through Fri with her 8 hours a day.  I thought is this what people think?  I don't know how to be a good teacher because I don't have children of my own?  I have had so many people say...You get to send the kids home after a long day but little do they know how much I would love to tuck in my own little one at night.

As time years went on I started to realize that there was something wrong.  Every time I took a pregnancy test I would sit and wait that 10 min or so and dream of what my child would look like.  What would I name he/she? How would I decorate their nursery?  How would I make the announcement to my family.  I was just giddy!  I would go and check the test....negative again! and again and again. Then found out that I have endometriosis which was probably the main reason of not having success.

I was just a mess inside.  Why?  I wasn't angry with God but I question...why can't I have a child?  What did I do or what are you trying to teach me?  Are you angry with me?  Don't you think I would be a good Mom?  So many questions.

It always seems that when you are struggling with something like this you start hearing stories of people who have children but really didn't want them or poor parenting in the news or going on right in front of my face.  This made me so angry and sad!  And on top of it many of my closest girlfriends were starting a family and having thoughts and dreams of their baby to be.  Oh, my heart just hurt.  I couldn't even watch a commercial of a baby without tears and at times sobbing.

I finally had to realize that I had to stop feeling sorry for myself and turn my thinking around.  I had to start counting my blessings.  I had all these beautiful children around me that really needed me.  When their Mom and Dad couldn't be with them this was our time (D and I) to put in all of our love, compassion and teaching skills at a 100%.  Take each one of them and hug them and let them know that we are always here for them.
I then started to understand...now I know what I was put on this earth for.  Even though I am not their birth Mother and can nurture them like a Mother day in and day out.  These kids mean more to Derek and I then you will ever know.  They are all of our children!

Why did I write this blog?  One thing is I want NO ONE feeling sorry for me.  My life is amazing!  I have an amazing family, friends that I will NEVER let go, loving pets, a Mom and Dad that adore me and above all I get a best friend as my husband whom I love more than life itself.  I wrote this to tell others that if you are in the same boat as we are and are sad; you can turn it around and start making your life positive.  Get out there and be with people who make you happy.  Be a big sister or volunteer and make your heart alive again.

Don't get me wrong...I will always have the craving of being a Mama.  This will never go away.  I think about it a lot! But just finding different ways in life to be a Mama.  

Thanks for reading